Holiday Hurt

As the temperatures begin to drop so does my mood. This is supposed to be a time of anticipation, a time of reflection, a time of family love, a time of joy. For so many it will be. For so many it will not.

The holidays have always been hard for me. Even before giving myself to Christ it was a challenge to get through. Christ vanquished the commercialism and turned it into a season of hope. A season of anticipation. The events of recent years have squelched much of that feeling. What remains is a daunting fight. I fight to keep it all alive.

 When she leaves the nest there will be no more reason to push for the "holiday happy." No reason for the tree, lights, turkeys, or anything. Thanksgiving and Christmas will become just anther day indistinguishable from the next. It's already happening. First it was our anniversary, then Valentine's, then birthdays, then New Years, Thanksgiving is almost gone, Christmas will be next.

Why is this happening you ask? The less my extended family (parents & siblings) are involved in our lives the faster the holidays die for us. There's no getting excited about family coming to visit. No sitting around the kitchen chattering. No watching the guys joking around in the living room. No hot coffee with Mom on the porch. For some of you this doesn't sound too bad. For me it's horrible.

 I am the youngest of six. One big struggling middle class family. By far not perfect but oh so close. We are a blended bunch. Two boys from his first marriage, two boys and a girl from hers, together they have me. We were not "well to do" but we had a whole lot of fun. Even hard times were easier just because there was ALWAYS someone to hug.

Then with my second marriage I married a man who himself was from a big family. He understood all I felt about them because he felt the same about his. It's all gone now. He still speaks with two of his four siblings, but rarely visits them. I am not allowed that luxury with my five. Yes they're still alive but I am not allowed to have contact with them.

So my doorway will be still, my home half empty, my heart in stitches. What to do? Just wait...for what? Christ to fill the void. Yes, waiting is so hard. For me holidays hurt, but I know He is good and I know He has a plan. 11/12/13 (won't see that for another 100yrs)

Stupid Dreams

Have you ever had a dream that was so vivid that it left you with lingering emotions?  I have on several occasions. Last night's dream has left me immersed in depression.  It all surrounded my parents and siblings. The family I cannot see. I spent the entire morning in raging angst, only to spend the afternoon feeling hollow. By now (after much prayer) I am just tired. Too tired to think about it much more. I have laid it down for now. I have to find a way to stave off the emotions or I will not be able to function. You ask where is my faith in all of this? My faith is what keeps me breathing. That, and the smile of my girl. I know He will sustain me...11/8/13

My Life's Winter

The blustery wind has been blowing leaves out of the trees all day.  Here where I am they're still green!  I'll be watching them turn colors on the ground.  With the cooler air comes the frisky critters.  The feral cat colony outside has been quite active.  Even the old ones are participating in gentle play with the little ones, while the rest hide behind bushes and jump out to chase and pummel each other.  Overall it is a peaceful feeling.  One that people like me savor as long as possible.  It's not cold here yet, but the air is filled with the impending change.  It is a change that reminds me that this life will eventually come to it's own winter.  I do not relish the thought of being frail and brittle, as my life slowly winds down.  I do not like to linger on those thoughts, but then again, I don't know anyone who does.  It is in those cold moments that I have to forcefully remind myself of what lies beyond my life's winter. Though when I allow my thoughts to linger there for a time, I realize just how much doubt is in me.  Doubt that leads to questions. Questions that lead me to revisit history.  In this history I recall the creation, the fall, the death, the resurrection...  When I recount history then I recount the promises.  It is in those promises that I tell my scattered mind to rest.  Rest.... rest in Him.  When my weary heart finally gives, there will be Him. 11-6-13